4 Heavenly Angels waiting on me

Well, after much waiting, we finally found out that I indeed did miscarry.

I went to the doctor this past Thursday and got a negative test. Which I was expecting seeing as I had bled for a week leading up to it…and 3 days after.

I’ve had a few people tell me how I am handling it much better than they would, but if they only knew! We had month, A MONTH, to prepare for either another baby here on earth or another one in Heaven. We prepared ourselves so much that we knew that either way, we’d be okay and make it through.

We have talked about maybe trying for another one, but not anytime soon. We have a 4 year old and a 2 year old to keep up with right now. Maybe after Sissy starts school, or even after Bubba! We will see….

Am I or Am I Not?!?!

It’s been 3 weeks since I found out I was expecting again…only to learn a week later that I was having miscarrying.

Now, we are not sure what the heck is going on!

I’m still getting positive HPTs, and not bleeding at all. My HCG levels were so low to begin with that the doctor can’t believe that they were registering on a HPT to begin with. So he for sure doesn’t know why they are still positive.

He gave me two scenarios of what could be going on with me by telling me of examples of what other women have went through. One example, I may still be pregnant. The other, I am not. Helpful, huh?!?!

I have to go back to see him on the 14th and hopefully we will be able to figure out what’s going on FOR SURE!! It’s been so hard wondering if we are going to have a baby or not. It’s hard to prepare yourself emotionally either way!

It’s Only 7 Days, Right?

It’s been a long week and a half.

After all the issues with the pregnancy/miscarriage, I’ve had a heck of a week. I’ve been pretty emotional about things, everything actually.

Saturday was mine and Hubby’s 8 year anniversary. It was a pretty laid back day. Hubby was off work so the kids, him, and I just laid around the house and watched movies and TV. 

Hubby had to go back to work yesterday and of course, the first day of him going back to work, the kids are a HANDFUL!!! They get so used to Daddy being home that they don’t seem to remember that Mom’s boss when he’s not home!

Bubba’s been a little sick the past few days, coughing, sneezing, runny nose, and a little congestion. He seems a little better today, but I’m still keeping an eye on him.

This coming Saturday is going to be a busy day…and I can’t wait! I’m taking Hubby’s brother’s family pictures that afternoon, and then one of my BFF’s daughter’s bday party. We didn’t get to go to her other daughter’s bday party because it was when Hubby’s mom was in from Florida.

Anyways, here’s hoping to a more calm week/end ahead!!

It’s All in God’s Hands

Friday: September 10, 2010

WOW….that is all I can say for today. I woke up thinking it was any other day. It was Hubby’s last day of his round of days at work, the kids and I did our errands for the day, family was coming in from TX, and one of my best friends was coming over with her little girl for a play date.

After trying, and having problems for what seems like forever, to get pregnant with their second child, my BFF SA is now about 10 weeks pregnant. We were chatting about our pervious pregnancies, and I mentioned to her that my past few visits from AF had been late. After realizing that it had been a few days later than normal, she encouraged me to take a pregnancy. I just happened to have one under the cabinet, and with much worry. I complied.

Keep in mind, we decided after Bubba, we didn’t want anymore. We had a boy and a girl, we were good! If I was pregnant, it was gonna be a big surprise, shock, and disbelief to me.

Three minutes after taking the test, I was in fact surprised, shocked, and in disbelief!! Two lines! I am pregnant!

I worry though, as I have been having some bleeding since taking the first test. I can’t, of course, see the doctor until Monday. Hopefully everything will be okay.

As much as I was against having another baby, the thought of losing this one, is unbearable. Please keep us in your prayers!

 

Saturday: September 11, 2010

Today is the 9 year anniversary of the Twin Towers falling. And as heartbreaking as it all is, I have not even been  thinking of that day 9 years ago. Though I remember exactly where I was, and what I was doing, and what I felt seeing the first tower burning, and the second plane fly into the second tower, and then both tumbling to the ground, that wasn’t the first thing on my mind.

Nope, the first, and pretty much only thing on my mind the whole day today was that I may be losing this baby I am carrying. My fourth miscarriage in 6 years.  The baby that I didn’t ask for, but wouldn’t give up for anything now that I know I have it. The baby that we already love!

I have still been bleeding, a little more than yesterday, and having some cramping. We have told a few people, including a few of my best friends and our parents, but don’t want to say a lot in case something happens. Just keep us in your prayers.

 

Sunday: September 12, 2010

It’s been a world wind weekend. After some drama with family last night, (don’t ask!!), today as been one of those days. I stopped bleeding this evening. So I’m hoping that’s a good thing!

There is a lot going on in my brain right now, and I am doing everything I can to take it easy and not worry about much. Of course, with a 3 year and a 2 year old running around the house, what is there NOT to worry about?!?!

Being pregnant, yet possibly, having a miscarriage has completely changed my thought about having another kid. Surely we can handle 3! Right?!?!

 

Monday: September 13, 2010

Well we were hoping to get into the doctor today, but he is not in. So we have to wait until tomorrow. I’m not bleeding anymore, but I still won’t feel out of the woods until I know for sure everything is okay.

I’ve kept it pretty simple today. Hubby wanted to get some lumber to make some box shelves for me. So we drove down to my parents house and got some cedar and while Hubby built the shelves, I took a much needed nap with the kids. Of course, I have done that every day since Friday. I think it’s my way escaping from the realty of what could really be happening for a 4th time in my husband’s and mine marriage.

What I don’t wish a upon even my worst enemy! It’s one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. Getting attached to something so much only to have it ripped away before even getting to see it.

Life is short, how short is up to God.

 

Tuesday: September 14, 2010

I was able to go to my doctor today, but the prognosis doesn’t look very good.

He did an in-office pregnancy test, and it was positive, but a faint positive. It should have been more clear since my test Friday was faint too. He said that he doesn’t know why I am bleeding, though, but that he expects me to have a full miscarriage between now and the time I’m supposed to have my next appointment in two weeks. 

He did send me to do an HCG Quantitative Test though. It’s where they test your HCG levels now, and then test them again in two test to see if they are going up or down. If they are going up, it means the pregnancy is progressing. If they are going down, it means that it’s not…miscarriage.

He originally wanted me to take another in-office pregnancy test in two weeks, but I couldn’t take the wait for more than I already have. So Thursday, we should know for sure if we are going to have another little Wagner running around or our 4th miscarriage.

 

Wednesday: September 15, 2010

I’m still here waiting. Not sure what’s going on, and it’s the hardest thing to do. To sit here not knowing if the baby you are carrying is going to make it, or go to be with it’s 3 other siblings in Heaven.

As much as Hubby and I didn’t want another kid, knowing that you might possibly have one anyways, kinda changes your outlook on things.

Pray for God’s Will, Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst.

That has been my motto for the past 5 days.

 

Thursday: September 16, 2010

Well we got our results back. We will 4 little angel babies in Heaven waiting on us.

God has a plan and I know that, but it is so hard knowing that I will definitely lose this baby.

I have two beautiful kids who I wouldn’t trade for anything! But this has changed my heart on having another one. As scared as I was when I found out I was pregnant in the first place, doesn’t compare to the  pain losing another has caused.

I truly do not wish this upon even my worst enemy!

My Readings

When I was younger, I used to read, a LOT. When I was home, I loved to go outside, climb a tree and just read. The Babysitter Club books were my all time favorite!

 

As I started high school, my reading usually only consisted of what was assigned. Between school, basketball, work, family, and boys, I didn’t have much time for reading on my own.

I just got back into “free-style” reading in probably the past year or so. It all started with the Stephenie Meyers Twilight Saga.

I LOVED these books, so much so that I have read them all at least 3 times! Then I decided I had to move on. I had to read something about things other than vampires and werewolves…though, why would I want to?!?!

I managed to read The Second Life of Bree Tanner.

I know, still vampires, but it was a really good book! Stephenie Meyer sure knows how to write, let me tell ya!

Anyways, I finally moved forward and started reading some Nicholas Sparks books.  It started with A Bend in the Road. I knew I liked the author but I didn’t know how much until I started looking for his books! I don’t have all of his books but I plan on getting them! I do have The Last Song, The Lucky One, and Dear John.

Then I read The Castaways by Elin Hilderbrand. Which made me realize that I liked her as well. I also plan on getting more of her books as well.

It looks as though a trip to the used book store is needed!!! Right now, I am reading a book called Infinite Days by Rebecca Maizel. Back to the vampires….I know.

Do you have any suggestions of books that I might like?

Ahhhh…Back to School

I loved those days growing up! I was one of those “weird” kids that actually loved school. I loved learning new things and testing my brain. I was even in the GT (Gifted and Talented) Program in my younger years.

I hit a few rough spot during my high school years, though. 7th and 8th grade years went okay (our school was so small that High School was 7th – 12th grades). 9th grade was okay, I mean I couldn’t make anything lower than a C or I was off the basketball team. And basketball was my life back then!

I “went-out” with a few different guys back then (one who even told me that if we broke-up, he’d kill himself! In the 9th grade, we had  new guy come to our school, who I fell “in love” with. We were inseparable.

The end of my 9th grade year, one of my best friends moved away…like over 12 hours away! It was really hard for me to lose her.  That summer was bad… She was gone, and I had taken my boyfriend to church camp with me….only to have him cheat on me with a girl he met there.

He ended up moving 5 hours away to live with her and her family, but before the school year started, he was back. I stupidly took him back, and my 10th grade year was all about basketball and him. We broke up at the end of the year, and I went to the same church camp that summer as a worker.

That same summer, I met another boy. I boy who I quickly fell in love with. A boy that broke my heart over and over…but that I still “loved”.

My 11th grade year, right before the basketball season was to start, I got into a bad car accident. And things slowly fell apart. My basketball career had started to dwindle and the boy I thought I loved, cheated on me with his ex…or cheated on her with me….not sure which. Of course, I “loved” him, so I stuck with him. ( I sure knew how to pick them, huh?!?!)

My senior year, I realized that it was my last year. I worked harder at my school work than I had worked in the past 3 years and played harder (when the coach would let me…that’s a WHOLE other post!!) than I has since my accident. I was determined to make it the best senior year, and not let the petty things bother me. Which in turn, turned me stupid!

I graduated May 9th. May 20th, I turned 18, and in June, I married that boy. You know, the one that was a two-timer but I thought I “loved” anyways. That following fall, I went a semester at the local community college. I had been accepted to both it, and the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville, and decided that a semester of the CC at home, would be a nice transition towards a bigger school.

So in December, me and my new husband, moved to Fayetteville so that I could go to college. Bad mistake!

Shortly after moving up there (we were, in fact, still unpacking) my brother, sister, and SIL came over to eat supper with us. They also had to break the news that 4 of my close friends, one of which was my maid of honor in my wedding, were in a car accident. She was the only survivor.

The next day, we loaded up and headed home for the funerals. Things were never the same after that. I started school in January, and things between the husband and I went south fast! When my semester was over, in fact, we spent another month up there before realizing that it wasn’t working for us, and we moved back home.

I never returned to school. It has been one of the hardest things for me to live with the fact that I never graduated college. I never got to enjoy college the way I enjoyed high school, or at least my senior year. And yes, I know there is a huge difference between high school and college, but as a person that loves to learn new things, I know I would enjoy it.

One of these days, I would love to go back and graduate. Though I’m 28 and still have no idea what I “want to be when I grow-up”. When I WAS going, I was trying to get my degree for primary education, and I think I still might. But I’ve got to get these two little rug-rats in school before I can attend myself.

Next year, Sissy starts pre-school! (She just misses the age/birthday cut-off to go this year). Then the year after that, she will go to kindergarten and Bubba starts pre-school. Maybe then I can finish what I started….

(Oh and btw, that boy I married, we ended up divorcing 5 months after moving back from Fayetteville…..BEST decision I had made in almost 5 years!!!!!!!)

Giveaway

There is an awesome giveaway over at Jimmy Choos and Tennis Shoes. You need to check it out. I mean, who else gives away a new dress AND an accessory just because it’s her birthday?!?!?

So go. Do. Enter!!

Another One Bites the Dust

My Canon Rebel XSi, you know the one that Bubba found? Yeah, that one. Well, it bit the dust. The night before Bubba’s 2nd birthday party, I got it out to mess with it a little bit and take some pics of the kiddos chillin’.

I got a couple of good shots in, went to show Hubby how cute they were, and then returned only to find out, to my dismay, that new, well still fairly new, camera had went to little camera heaven. It was giving me an “Err 99” code and just wouldn’t come out of it. 

This was horrible since Bub’s party was at 2pm the next day. I didn’t know what I was gonna do. I went ahead and put a call into my bestie, Stacy, to see if she would bring her camera and help me out.

Sunday morning rolled around, and while Hubby went to work, the kids and I went to church. While in church, Hubby texted me to tell me that he took my “precious” Canon to work with him to have one of the guys there look at it. Turns out that it would probably have to be sent out to get fixed. They were nice enough to exchange it for us for one of the same price.

So we went from this:

to this:

And I’m not quite sure which I like more. I was used to my Canon, so it was hard to let that go. Plus, I had a zoom lens for my Canon that went to an old Canon 35 mm camera I had.  I LOVED it!

On the other hand, I am LOVING the screen on this one! Though I Hubby will have to buy me another zoom lens to fit my Nikon, the one WM sells is MUCH better than the one I had. So that will be nice.

Comparison on picture quality?

With my Canon…

 

With my Nikon…

Of course, I’m still learning my Nikon. I’ve got to do lots more playing around with it before I feel comfortable enough to do another photo shoot with it. But give me a little bit, and I will be back at it in no time!!!

Pacifiers

We gave both our children pacis from the get-go. Like literally, the day they were born. They both had issues with constantly needing to suck. As most mothers who breastfeed/fed know, you’re milk doesn’t come in right away. So, my babies weren’t getting anything but mad! Hubby and I decided that pacis, if they would take them, were the best things. Thankfully, it worked.

I thought they looked so stinking cute with their little pacis in their mouths!

I have a friend that posted this link the other day. I wanted to post a comment but was worried about starting a big discussion. I did it anyways.

My comment was simply, “Hmmm..Sissy had a paci until she was about 3, and Bubba had his until he was 1. Neither of them have ever had ear infections...of course mine hardly ever get sick. But when they do...it hits HARD!!!”

I admit. I was ready for some drama, just because that’s how mom’s are. We can debate for HOURS about pacis/ thumb sucking, cloth diapers/ disposable ones, vaccinations/ or not, co-sleeping/ kid across the house from you.

The original poster wrote that the article said “It says  "recurrent" therefore I guess if a child never had them in the first place, it wouldn't matter. I think both of mine would have had the ear infections anyway, but since they both had pacis until 2 1/2 - 3 yr old, I just wonder if it didn't make them have the infections more frequently...It's a thought to ponder. On the other side of ... things, I would have not have denied them their pacis. I think that is the sweetest thing, and they really are a comfort to some kids. And, I think the SIDS research is very true...”

I totally agree with that!

As much as I hated it back then, both my kids woke up crying when their pacis fell out of their mouths. So I would have to get up, and feel around for it, in the dark! Needless to say, it was usually on the floor somewhere under the crib!

I realize now, though, that I would have rather woken up to them crying, needing their paci, instead of me waking up to their silence.

I don’t care if you agree with me or not. I’m not trying to get you to. I believe that every, okay, most mothers do what is right for their child, their family, and their situations. That is all that any child needs!

Two years ago…

Two years ago today, I was the most miserable I have ever been in my life! I was almost 39 weeks pregnant, and had been in labor for going on 3 weeks.

I was sweating like a fat man trying to run a marathon in 100 degree heat…okay, so like me trying to run a marathon at all! I was tired of having contractions, but not dilating fast enough to start delivery. I was tired of being asked, “You haven’t had that thing yet?” or “So how much longer?” or “I bet you are miserable!?!”

I had written almost a whole post about this day, two years ago, but towards the end, I realized that I had already written it. So erased it all and decided to just link it. So it’s here if you want to read it.

Anyways, as the days get closer to Bubba’s birthday, I remember those last couple of days leading up to his birth. I was miserable!  I even remember the days when I first learned I was pregnant with him. I was scared! As I look back on those days I just laugh and smile to myself at how silly it all was.

Today, I have a handsome little boy. One who loves to cuddle, smile, laugh, irritate both his big sister and dog sister. He loves bananas, chocolate, being outside, playing with daddy. He hates being by himself, long car rides, being dirty. He may look like his daddy, but he acts like me. 

Bubba more than completes our family. I am so glad that God blessed us with him, and that He chose us to raise this little heart-breaker in the making! Now, if I can just remember all of that while I start cleaning house to get ready for his birthday party Sunday!!!!